Unknown Speaker 0:04 spice up your life with me helps Jeff Julia as I set out on the journey of what is healthy. In each episode we'll explore the different meanings of healthy for some healthy means indulging in something decorative and delicious. For others. It's a mental health day and a good workout. There's more to health than just food. It's about living well, enjoying your life and having fun having you heard redheads do it best. Come with me, and we'll find out just what healthy is. Unknown Speaker 0:31 Thank you so much for being on. We're here in another episode with Lani Halladay of Buddhist bake shop in Brooklyn. And we're here to talk all about health, wellness, gluten free baking and all the things. So thank you so much for being on. Yeah, thanks for having me. So excited. I just watched this like amazing video of you making gluten free cookie crackers on eater. Oh, Unknown Speaker 0:57 yeah, the pipe. Yeah. Oh my god. Honestly, though, I have tried gluten free baking. And I went to culinary school. And we had three, I think three days of baking and like, specifically on gluten free stuff. And it's like no joke. It's not like a one to one ratio. No, it's no, it's it's so hard. And the gluten free flowers that you can use are like corn and buckwheat and chickpeas. And they don't rise the same. They don't do the same things. And I think it's absolutely amazing that you're doing that. And I want to know all about it. Should I also want to know how you got here, like, what made you become a gluten free Baker and how you open your shop. And it's not it's pretty difficult to own a restaurant or any kind of food related business in New York City, especially during a pandemic. Unknown Speaker 1:51 And you're killing it right now. Doing like, so much virtual stuff and doing like pop ups and sending out cookies. And I'm just in awe. So thank you for telling me all the things. Unknown Speaker 2:04 Gosh, Wow, that's a lot of things. Yeah, thanks. It's exciting to be here. Unknown Speaker 2:10 You know, it's been a journey. I mean, truly, like, I do feel blessed to be able to do what I do here in New York City, like you can be so like, specific and unique here and thrive. And I mean, the way I'm able to do it is like I do have like a lot of support, you know, like network support, like my community is like crucial. I at the moment British bake shop really exists kind of like virtually, we're opening a brick and mortar at the end of this month. So it's like our first actual brick and mortar I've been working on of like commercial kitchen spaces not really client facing no retail space. But at the end of this month, I'm going to be opening a shared like permanent pop up location with another pastry chef, called Eric see his former company is called the awkward scone and we've been friends for a few years. We're creative partners. We're like BFFs and he's definitely part of my community of support and creative consultant. Pop Up location, so that our permanent pop up which is basically like our shop is going to be over I think it's how do I not know the my own address? Seven 724 Sterling place in Brooklyn. It's over on Sterling like between Bedford and Franklin. So Bedford like right, just right off Bedford, to be honest, there's like a bodega right there. And then we're just next door to that just on the south side of Sterling down the block kind of from where like hunky dory and chabela is and all that sort of stuff is in Brooklyn. So come through end of September we'll be open. Unknown Speaker 3:52 But yeah, I mean, the journey there, Dave? Yes, please. The journey everything. Everything that I'm going to offer is going to be obviously gluten free and then probably everything will be vegan too. I did a pop up recently amazing Yaki I did an entirely vegan menu. And I think I'm going to just produce basically like everything that I had available there plus like a couple things. It's going to be like a very edited menu. It'll rotate a little bit seasonally I'm going to have the Pop Tarts which are ultra popular and they're gluten free and vegan. I'm going to have them use a chocolate chip cookie, which is like eternal favorite. But yeah, I mean, it's been crazy. I mean, I've been working I've only ever worked in the food industry. Unknown Speaker 4:33 I started out like my first job when I was 16 like job job was at a pizza place when I was 16. And then you know, I worked at like a burger and Unknown Speaker 4:45 I was like online, a pizza. I was on the line. It was like it was cool because I really cherished that job to a degree because I was really mixing and sending like, very like one on one time with kids and my so cool that like I Unknown Speaker 5:00 I never would have mixed with socially like I was extremely bullied in high school I was like just like this like poor punk like picked on bullied weirdo kid and all my friends were like all the weirdos and so it I was like mixing with like, you know, the football stars and like all this like people that I wouldn't socially and it was like it was a really great experience. Where did you grow up? I grew up outside of Portland, Oregon in a little suburb called Westland, Oregon. And I went to West High School and it wasn't great. Frankly. I got out of there like as soon as I could. Um, but yeah, so I started baking when I was 19 I got an apprenticeship like learning, artisan bread baking like I learned, you know, Chewbacca, and Hala and Levon and all these like natural living things like how to make stolen and baguette and like all these really, like I can't even bake like a cookie. I am a chef that cannot bake Unknown Speaker 6:02 like a really easy cookie recipe because it's like really easy Did you go to natural gourmet institute that yeah. So here's the thing about natural gourmet and what they teach you with baking like they make it way harder for you than it needs to be like, we should do like a class or something because it's like it's like so it's so much easier than people and I like it because it's a lot harder to like mess things up like you're never gonna overmix anything for the most part you know like when you're talking about just fine like a really great there's so many great blends on the market right now King Arthur does a really good one. My personal favorite is Bob's Red Mill. And I love Bob's Yeah, I love it that they're a worker on company I love it that they're like from my hometown and you know that one to one that they make is like a really fantastic one I used to before that product came onto the market I used Bob's Red Mill flowers and I made my own blend Unknown Speaker 6:55 came I like tested it and all my recipes and I was like this stuff is great. Like I'm just immediately it's so much easier Unknown Speaker 7:02 to get out of your time. Yeah, it just was like a pain because I'd have these like 50 pound bags of like five different flowers and I'd have to like dump them all in the big mixer and like and make sure they're the proportions are right and then just let them like stir in there and then like decanted and keep going so it would have like enough flour for that like it was just the whole thing and I was glad when that one came out Unknown Speaker 7:25 I you know I apprenticed I got a wheat allergy developed a wheat allergy it's interesting too, because I've been wheat free for like 20 years basically at this point. And I how did you realize you had a like an intolerance. I was having all kinds of crazy symptoms like I would get this like rash on my face. I had a rash on my arms here. I was having like weird, like, digestive issues like brain fog, and like I'd leave for the weekend. And then I'd come I walk into the bakery. And I just felt like I had like arthritis. It was crazy. And I was like a kid I was like 1920 years old. Unknown Speaker 8:02 And my naturopath was like you have an allergy to wheat just stop eating it in your will be fine. ever heard. Like, I've definitely heard of all these other allergies, but I've never heard that. And I just stopped eating it. And like all I was also like a vegetarian at the time. And I was eating a lot of like Satan and like, all that sort of Earth salts like fake meat stuff like ghibelline sausage, and like, you know, like, my boyfriend at the time. He was the cook in the household and like he was vegan, and he would make like, you know, veganised biscuits and gravy. Morningstar. Oh, all that kind of like, culture process, like, stuff that just like wasn't doing me any favors. And I think it was 20 years ago when it was a long time ago. Like we we allergy wasn't a thing like nobody knew what gluten free was. Yeah, I mean, there were I worked in up to the bakery that I worked in was like an organic scratch bed. recreate inside of this sort of like homegrown like, look people from the Pacific Northwest note is it was called nature's, and there was maybe like eight or nine of them in the region. And it was like tippy out to the back. So this started by this guy named Stan Amy it grew locally and like the one that I worked at had like his bread bakery and organic hair salon, like it had this like supplements department where we would do trainings where like we'd learn about like Reiki and like all this kind of crazy stuff like cleanses. Yeah, it was super awesome. And like we had a naturopath on staff. And it was super cool. And so I in that job had access to basically all the gluten free foods on the market at the time. And I've just watched the industry like evolve in terms of like what's offered, what the focus is like highly processed versus like things that are supernatural that are just kind of like packaged in a new way. I've watched things like aquafaba come onto the market. I've watched Unknown Speaker 10:00 Like blends come out things that were vegan things that were not like the there's one blend that came out the cup for cup were like, that's a super great one. But that one's like it's not being it's got like dried milk powder in it, which is great. Usually Well, it's very expensive that one, but I've seen it when aquafaba blew up, I was just like, Wait, how is this a thing? There's like a whole Pinterest page of these, like, women creating all of this aquafaba stuff. And I was like, This is mind blowing. Literally. And I said, I've said this so many times in so many different like interviews and like to people like when aquafaba like came into my sphere of knowing I like rang people up and was like, have you heard of this thing? It's amazing. Like there has never been a substitute. That's basically like a natural protein suspension that whips like egg whites that functions like egg whites that can go sweet or savory that's vegan and natural, and not just like some like wild thing was manufactured. And it's just like waste it otherwise was the coolest thing. It's like, yeah, we connect with chick pea companies and get that leftover water that they're canning it Unknown Speaker 11:08 can be ordered one does. It's so cheap. But have you noticed? Absolutely. But if you're soaking your own chickpeas, it's not the same liquid consistency. I don't I don't do that, like I just because I had for like so pre Corona. It's a little bit different now. But pre Corona, I had a kitchen that I was paired with, like I just started showing up like cuz. And then when I would do production, I would just like get my chickpeas, like my canned chickpeas, I would drain all my aquafaba i'd gather all the chickpeas because I didn't have a use for them. And then I would take them over to the soup kitchen that's in my neighborhood and they would just receive them and it was like all fine and good. And like, That's amazing. The cans of chickpeas. I just put as the cost of the aquafaba itself and it just didn't feel like waste because I knew that the chickpeas we're going to use Yeah, but now it's a bit different. During COVID I was I was doing like food relief work, especially in like the first 12 weeks of Corona like every week, I was doing food relief work. And we would incorporate those chickpeas from production. But now I mean, I've just been giving them like to my staff or actually like the free fridges that you see popping up over I put one pop up outside like I want to do like a like we cook all the food that's in that fridge for like the community like I just want to like have like a like a party outside with all average food. I think it's amazing. Yeah, the fridge food is it's been cool. Like when I first heard about it, I was like, Huh, that's weird. Like, it's so like, it's an issue. Yeah, like it's almost like so dissonant with like the negative things I think about New York City and it was really angry. Oh man, because I was like, Oh, actually, like, New Yorkers are all these other wonderful things too. Like, you got to remember that. Unknown Speaker 12:56 Like, you just said that. It's like people like well, what if someone's gonna steal it? And like, I don't know, like no one has like, it's been a beautiful, like thing. Just everybody has been sharing their food. And it's wonderful. Yeah, so I was gluten free. And then I, I couldn't really work in the bakery anymore. I had gotten into a car accident and I just like couldn't do that work. So I I'd switched over to like that the like kind of boujee like supplements department working under that naturopath and I just learned a ton about like, all different kinds of supplements, all different kinds of healing modalities. Like I said, Reiki was the first time I was exposed to Reiki and Unknown Speaker 13:33 you know, just sort of like, it was interesting, because at the time, it was like, you'd see the same things over and over. So I really got to study and learn like, you know, people come in, like, I can't sleep I'm having trouble sleeping or like I had these digestive issues we'd get like, people in who were like having like hormonal issues, and it was kind of like the same kind of like, main constellation of the same things all the time. And really just like kind of diving into like what was available for those different things. And the women I worked with were just like these like witchy wise herbal women who just kind of like laid all this stuff. I think they were like super psyched that some like young ass person was like super interested in like, their knowledge. And I just soak up like it was so interesting to me and how powerful herbal preparations could be and tinctures how much we relied on, you know, like Western medications for things that like we really really didn't need to. And I get really just kind of like I was always kind of like a radical in like that sense where I was like Pong and I was like the government is whatever, you know, but like, really diving into like, what my alternatives were to just like, you know, if I had, you know, even things like like trying to quit smoking or something, you know, like I was a smoker when I was a young person. I quit smoking. There's like herbal person Unknown Speaker 15:00 ones that can help you like quit quitting smoking or like sugar. And like, digest things better and sleep better. And you know, so many things that are all interconnected can be very easily addressed with things that are like, natural and gentle. And Unknown Speaker 15:15 yeah, it just blew my mind. You know, it just really blew my mind. So Unknown Speaker 15:20 you incorporate that right now into parts of your baking and stuff like Unknown Speaker 15:24 so. And that kind of like, they're, they're more like, Unknown Speaker 15:29 you know, natural products, not as much I do at home a lot. Like, I take oregano oil every day. And like, if my kid has a problem, like I definitely go towards like, okay, like, my, I don't I couldn't tell you the last time my kids have been to the doctor, like, I'm just like, oh, you're okay, take this earth. Like, that's like my vibe. And even like, my partner, he like he, he's like a problem sleeper. And I'm like, Okay, this is what you need, like, you actually need like Epsom salt baths with like, essential oils. And then you need this and then you need this. And like, none of it has to do with anything to do with like, a sleeping pill or anything like that. It's like, dude, you need like, Kava and you need magnesium. And you need this and, you know, like, you could take valerian and like, Yeah, all these sort of things that Unknown Speaker 16:17 you know, are just sort of, like functional and supportive for the things that we need to Absolutely. And that's how I grew up like I've immigrant parents that like did not believe in like Tylenol. Unknown Speaker 16:28 Everything was like a vitamin or an or a tea. Unknown Speaker 16:33 Yeah, I mean, I just I just went and saw my dad, and he, like, had this huge thing of like Bailey's sitting on his counter. And I was like, oh, what's, what are you making? And he's like, No, I just drink that as tea. I was like, why? And he's like, well, I don't know, my, my mother just used to make a leaf tea when we ever had a stomach problem. And like, my people, like, I've just been digging more, I was very disconnected from like, my grandparents and kind of like my family heritage to a large degree. And I've just been digging more into that I'm working on like, a short documentary about like, my family and food in the south and things like that. And, um, Unknown Speaker 17:11 you know, just going and spending time with, like, my relatives and hearing like, what it was like, What happened, like how, you know, people took care of themselves and each other and, you know, really just like cataloging those thoughts and like, understanding the like, that sort of thing just really runs through my lineage. And, you know, that's beautiful. Yeah, like, it's wonderful. So it's, you know, it's like, my, it's, I think it's all of our birthright, but it's like my birthright very directly, and I value that very much. Unknown Speaker 17:48 Yeah, I mean, I was working in a restaurant bar music venue, and met someone who I would later marry and I moved to New York, I worked at Aaron McKenna's bakery downtown, which is he was known bake cakes at the time, which is like a gluten free vegan. It's not just good. For a vegan. It's like all allergen free. Like, she doesn't do nuts. She doesn't do any soy. She's like, very, very allergen friendly. I worked for her. And then I had my first kid and I just didn't work for like six years, which was like, a totally different kind of a trip because I was just baking all the time at home. And do you like that mom that everyone wants to come over later, because you have all the best baked goods in the house? Unknown Speaker 18:36 Like bring things to my like ex husband's office. And like, you know, it was just like that, because the office is just down the road. Unknown Speaker 18:43 And yeah, I mean, I kind of just so we live we moved to the UK and I was sort of like bopping around the UK came back to New York. And then at one point I moved I left him and move back to Portland, Oregon, was like, Unknown Speaker 18:59 a sad sack. Like literally like no money, no college education. No, like, it was just all like crying and then like two little babies. And then my mom was just like, she gave me like a couple weeks and then she's like, that's it. No more crying. Like, you have to stop crying and you have to figure out what the fuck you're gonna do. Because you're just like, you got to get it together like enough pasta like no more tears. And I was like, You don't even she's like don't even with the you don't even because I didn't even move in and I was like, Okay, fine. Let me go to pastry school. Like I did that before. I'm confident that I can like do that. Again, like my best bet in terms of like, like, I just didn't have any self confidence. I was like, I know that I can do this one thing. Like if truly I was really following what I wanted. I would have gone to like art school or something. But I just was like, I can do that. Unknown Speaker 20:00 This and I can support myself if I do this. I think culinary is definitely art. It is I just didn't have the guts or the self confidence to like pursue to like be like what do you actually want to do not like, what's going to be safe. And truly, like, that's been a blessing because like for me, like, my higher power was looking out for me and I've been able to actually like move forward in just this culinary path which like I liked and now like I have a passion for and I've been able to like, infuse my creativity onto it and really like utilize my career path is I guess, spiritual journey, which sounds like super woowoo but like whatever. Like right here to me. Unknown Speaker 20:46 Yeah, like I'm just an eyeball thing. Unknown Speaker 20:52 So, yeah, I mean, I got the best externship I could possibly get I had to like Stosh for this externship. It was at a place in Portland Oregon called castanea. Under chef Justin Woodward who's like a, you know, James Beard award winning blah, blah, blah. Like it was super fancy high end place had a stodg to get the externship. It was hard. Unknown Speaker 21:21 A lot of work. I work the pastry section. And I mean, I just like busted ass. And Unknown Speaker 21:28 like most big, like any kind of pastry role, like you're waking up at like 4am, right, like you have this play. So because it was like, it's like fine dining, like, tasting menu stuff. So and it was only like, limited, like the evening service. So for the pastry section, it was like I would do like for service, I would play like the moose bushes, and then I would do like dessert stuff. But we would basically come in at like 10 and then work till like two o'clock in the morning. So it was like I would get up at like 830 Unknown Speaker 22:03 eat something get dressed, get in this like giant blue like beat up old truck that I had borrowed from my friends because I didn't have a car. Or maybe I did but like whatever. Like my mom needed it because she was like taking care of my children. And I would drive over to the restaurant, I would just be there from like 10 o'clock till two o'clock in the morning. And I would just go home do it all over. I did that for like weeks. I think that I had time off like days off. Maybe like maybe I only worked five or six days a week when I was doing that. But I honestly don't remember. I could probably look at my notebook from that time and be able to tell you specifically but like I basically just was like there. Yeah, I mean, like it's like crazy people dinner said it's just like never ending. This place was wild. Like they had coffee service every day for the kitchen at four o'clock like promptly at four. Because they had like a cat like they had a casual side. They had like a local like high end like boozy burger place. And then you'd come over to the fine dining side. And that was the side I was on and like at four o'clock at that barista was walking through that swinging door 4pm on the nose like they would start like having a conniption fit, they this place, they broke down that kitchen every single day at one o'clock. And then after service as soon as service ended, every single thing came off of every single shelf. Every single cupboard was open, everything came out. And then a three man lockset team would move one would wash, one would squeegee and one would dry with two towels and you had to move together throughout the whole entire kitchen in cupboards that they never even use empty cupboards. They'd open them wash squeegee and wipe. And then again, I clean like Unknown Speaker 23:55 nacua it was apparent militaristic, it was a silent kitchen. Like you weren't allowed to make any noise. You weren't allowed to make any mess. It was completely silent. Like Unknown Speaker 24:06 my the guy that Unknown Speaker 24:09 I was working directly under who was like the boss, he's still a buddy like he messaged me over Instagram all the time. Chef, Greg's a naughty, he, I was working directly under him and he would do this thing to me where he would be standing. I mean, we were allowed to talk we were just only allowed to talk like in a whisper so that the people could hear us right like we could obviously you need to be able to communicate and like chef would would Expo. Unknown Speaker 24:35 So we would just he would literally like he would take his hand and he would just look at me in the eye while we were talking about something else and he would talk to me and he would run his hand across like the benchtop like that. And he would look he'd hold his hand like this and he looked at me in the eye and then he would look at his hand like that and look back at me to see if there's any like grains of sugar on the Unknown Speaker 25:00 work surface. And then he would just like keep if there was anything wrong, he would like stop me and like make me clean a bunch of shit. But usually like he would just keep it moving but it was his like, total like dominating. Like, yeah, like he was just like, and he was like soft with me. You know like he went easy on me because I was like an extra but he would just be like it was just like brutal and gnarly like and I loved him and I would perform for him like I trusted him very much and he taught me very much. Unknown Speaker 25:31 And I just loved it like I loved how like gnarly they were and how brutal they were like I couldn't have survived in there as like a job job. Yeah, as like this crazy fantastical like, otherworldly place that I went to to like learn a bunch of crazy stuff. I was like into it. I was a yeller, sick. Unknown Speaker 25:53 Rose like, Oh, I'm such a lawyer. I'm like, ooh, you're so creepy. Like, show me how you live over here. Unknown Speaker 26:01 I love that shit. I Unknown Speaker 26:03 experience experience New York City Health inspections yet? Yeah, like for you? Right? Yeah, yeah, that shit is brutal. I can't imagine a three person team like that cleaning a restaurant in New York City. They just, it was literally every single day and it was like multiple times a day The place was clean like them having a health inspection. They would never even that would literally be just like rest because the place immaculate like you get yelled at. If when you went and organized the walk in the cut tape labels weren't all perfectly lined up. Like there was nothing, not five fold. There was nothing out of place. There was nothing crusty on any surface anywhere. I remember I didn't think any thoughts for like the first three days and the first thought I thought was during that little I was like, wiper man or like squeegee man or whatever. And I was like, This floor is so clean. I'd eat off of this floor. like nobody even walks here and this thing gets cleaned like four times a day. And like my kitchens that clean. Unknown Speaker 27:08 I'm telling you this place is like immaculate. We weren't It was like it was while I got shushed during service one time for dropping like a metal ramekin. And that is essentially like that's just like the equivalent of like, getting completely chewed out. Like my chef like he was like, Unknown Speaker 27:26 like, it's like everything. Unknown Speaker 27:30 Um, but I'm like, kind of aggressing So you did Oregon, you did pastry school, you did your styling. And then like, what brought to you New York? Oh, so I moved back. I Unknown Speaker 27:43 was trying to like, give it another go with like my kids, dad. And he was here. He was here the whole time. And this isn't like he lived here. Unknown Speaker 27:52 And I was like, Alright, I consented to like moving back. And I kind of just like went for it. Like I worked at oven Lee as one of their kitchen managers. And I kind of just like, did that for a long time. That was great. Like, I ran the cake program. I was one of the kitchen managers, I did special projects. And that was great. And then I just I started like hot side hustling and freelancing and doing cakes on the side for people. And then it got to the point where I was just like, I'm just gonna, like, do that. And I love when the side hustle becomes the real the real hustle. Yeah, I mean, there was a couple of like, a little like twists and turns that I'm leaving out just because it's like, unimportant to the whole story. But basically that it's like I left to basically have the side hustle become the whole hustle. And then it's just like fast forward to I mean, I've been doing my own thing for Unknown Speaker 28:50 I think maybe five ish years or something like that. Don't quote me. There's been like little jobs that I've picked up here and there. I worked at a vegan restaurant on Bourbon Street for a while running the front of house. I worked it. I was like working full time like doing my side hustle stuff. And I was bartending full time. I don't know how I was like, not dead. I was making a lot of money, but I was also working like 80 hours a week and drinking like literally, you know, those big cans of Red Bull. Like two of those during service, like bartending and eating like Clif Bar. Yeah. And then I was like, I don't need this job. Like I think I make enough money that I don't actually need this job. And then I like looked at my money and I was like, Oh my god, I don't need this job. And I just quit. Like they were they were it was this place Mimi's diner. It's in Brooklyn. It was like right when they first opened they were friends of mine from oven. Lee they were like we need you know, like hurry. Um, so yeah, I mean, I can very easily overwork myself. Yeah, I can do that. Unknown Speaker 30:00 This and we forget that our like our wellness is actually like, all encompassing. Like, I think that the moment that I get overworked, overstressed, I forget so many important like work things, and I just become like a waste of a human. Hmm. And we I feel like we just take, I think running your own business and being like a badass, like woman in culinary is like, hard and exhausting. And I think that you need to incorporate some sort of wellness routine or wellness structure in your life, like a food schedule, or a workout routine, or, you know, something to stay sane. Unknown Speaker 30:42 Yeah, I mean, I have that now. I don't drink alcohol or use drugs. And that's been something that's only been in the past, like three ish years coming up on three years. And that's been like major. Unknown Speaker 30:58 I definitely have done like, Unknown Speaker 31:02 yoga on and off for years and years since I was like 18. Unknown Speaker 31:08 I started running during the pandemic, which has been major I got tendinitis. I had to like, chill on the running for a minute. But like, I, you know, like, I take my dog to the dog park every day that I have her I go for a run. I live across the street from Prospect Park, I go for runs in the park. I keep it like short. And I only do it a few times a week now because my tendinitis, like, if I push it, and I if I try to run twice in a row, it's like, forget it. It's like no, no, no, you're not we're not doing this. But yeah, it's I meditate I pray, like, I attend like spiritual letter groups, if you will. And I have like, I call it like my like spiritual executive board. When I have stuff like anything in my life like stuff in my life, like a new partner a new relationship, or like, work stuff that's going crazy, or like, kid stuff, or like ex husband stuff. Like, I bring those things to Pete, like, I humble myself. And I have these like deep relationships where I can, like, share all of the things that are going on inside of my life. And I get objective perspectives on things that aren't just based on my ego. Like I figured out a while ago that like, my self will run riot especially is like does not serve me like I don't actually, I think I know what's best for me. But I don't actually always know what's best for me. And when I can, like, turn things over to like this, like spiritual Executive Board of people and like, not just listen to what they say like just like, oh, you said that I'm going to do that, like, take what they had to say and consider and like, really run it through, you know, like, what's my evaluation? Like, my evaluation is to show up, like, My aim is to show up with like, love and lead with love and respect and kindness for everyone as much as I possibly can. All you're saying is because I do the same thing. So I have a kurtsan group that I meet with every week. I have a kurtsan group. So we like to think it's like, seeing a meditation almost. And like I have like a guru. And I really think that like, we our biggest like self sabotage is in a way. And you need to have this like outsider perspective and, and like spiritual kind of help to get through some shit, and work through some shit. And people think, like I said, people think it's goofy and weird. Like, I'm all about it, and I will do all the worldly things. If I see that it's worth doing. And then it's helping me in all the ways completely, I mean, the amount of times where I've just been in my own bullshit, like, I hope he's swearing this podcast, because otherwise you're gonna be a lot of Unknown Speaker 33:54 my own bullshit so much that like, I don't think I would have anything that I have today, if I wasn't actually just like, coachable and like taking suggestion from people like, I don't like that is your blurb right now that is amazing. I could not agree. Like, I just don't like even even like, my partner who's here. It's like, Unknown Speaker 34:18 this is probably the most deepest in love I've felt in my life. And like it almost just like didn't happen because I was just in my own bullshit. Like, you know, we we've had these like twists and turns and like, you know, to be able to actually just like lay my own bullshit and be honest, like, be honest with myself and be honest with somebody else and say, like, well, Unknown Speaker 34:47 these are the self seeking behaviors I'm engaging in. This is the thing that I said to him, these are the things that I'm done, and then have them turn around and be like, okay, girl, that's bullshit. And also, where's that coming from? And what is that like bringing up for you and B Unknown Speaker 35:00 To be honest, and turn around and have them say, and say like, Oh, well, I actually think it's this or it's this fear, or it's this, like, you know, like the tyranny of should or whatever, like, it's actually these things and oh, like, I get to discover these things. And then I get to turn around and choose, like this commitment to like love and radical vulnerability. And then I get to just, like, Unknown Speaker 35:23 meet that commitment for myself, like, not more that other person per se. And I just get to, like, be in that space for myself and be at peace with like, not like, Unknown Speaker 35:34 honoring the fact that I'm a human being, and I have my own bullshit. And then I can, like, name it and not let it like leave me around by the nose. And then so hard to like, figure that out. And to, like, get to that stage where you can actually work through it, right? Like, that's like, a lot. And people like, don't know how to get there. And I love that. Unknown Speaker 35:53 I mean, I don't think that many people experience the gift of desperation, like when your life is so fucked up, that like, Unknown Speaker 36:03 you can't manage it anymore. You know, like, when you're just, I don't think I've ever experienced in my life, like the peace of mind that I have, like, I always would have just this, like low grade anxiety, about just existing as a person that like, I was just wrong in some way. And like, don't get me wrong, like, I still get in my own ego, when, you know, sometimes if I'm having a disagreement, or like, whatever, like, there are times I have to check myself but like, the checking happens like so much faster. And like I can actually turn it on, I don't have shame around being like, Oh, fuck, like, I really like, was being an asshole. Like, I had to check myself or like, let me just take a break from this competition, because I'm getting wound up and I need a break. Unknown Speaker 36:49 or whatever it is, like, I just have tools that I just didn't have before. And like, for me, it was all born of this like gift of desperation, like my life was a mess. And I didn't know how to manage it. And I was just completely, like powerless against my own bullshit. And I was making so much like so many bad decisions, like personal decisions, I couldn't really like I wasn't connecting to my results in my work. Like I wasn't honoring the things that I was actually doing for myself. So it was kind of almost like, cycling around and like not really like spinning my wheels and not like getting traction. And I was just doing it to myself. And I was like everything was just not working. And I just, you know, I really had this gift of desperation. And I just really embarked on this like spiritual program and spiritual journey and Unknown Speaker 37:47 my life is like, beyond my wildest dreams. It's amazing. So tell everyone where they can find you on social. And when is the brick and mortar pop up? But not really. Unknown Speaker 38:02 Yeah, so people can find me on social Lani holiday.com la and I hlliday.com is where you can purchase the world famous gluten free vegan soy free means a chocolate chip cookies which are amazing. And Yoko Ono herself so they're the best cookie she's ever had. And follow me at Lonnie holiday same spelling on Instagram. Um, you can those are the main two. I think I have a Twitter but Unknown Speaker 38:31 yes. And then the shop is opening at the end of September. It's slated to we're having we're doing a little like work on it right now. And you know how that goes. Like sometimes it's a little push but and it's September beginning of October is when it's slated to open. Okay, amazing. And I'm gonna email you after this because I want to make cookies together and learn how to make Instagram Live. Let's do it together. Okay, well email after this. Unknown Speaker 39:05 You're fucking amazing. You're such a badass. I'm so inspired by you and I want to keep hanging out and talking. Unknown Speaker 39:13 We're gonna arrange this live because I love this and I want to know more all about all the things. Unknown Speaker 39:20 So thank you so much for Unknown Speaker 39:22 having me. Thanks for having me. By cookies, yes. When we when we do. We like launch and put like a little blurb. I'll do a swipe up to where we can buy the cookies. I love that. Okay, perfect. Transcribed by https://otter.ai